5 a.m. to 7 a.m. - Fuckin' Muffins and Bittersweet Memories

I took a shower, put on makeup, got dressed, and breathed. I can't remember the last time I went 2 days without taking a shower. Wow, it felt good to be clean.

I headed to old house to get his fuckin' muffins. And milk and juice. I grabbed a bunch of stuff out of the fridge, but not everything. I'll send Sarita to do that. I cleaned out a few things remaining in the closets. I did a walk-through, and all of a sudden it hit me. Memories came flooding back. Bringing Kiddo home from the hospital. Painting clouds on the ceiling in his nursery. Later on, decorating his room in a baseball theme. The early years of my marriage when I was mostly happy.

Then I remembered the bad times. The long, slow, painful disintegration of my marriage. The day he moved out and the gaping hole where his recliner had been. Kinda like the gaping hole in my heart. My divorce was the hardest thing I ever did, but the best thing. We're both so much happier now.

More bad memories included the terrible teenage years when Kiddo pretty much hated me. At least he acted like it. That's more painful to me than the divorce. But now he's happy at college. Thriving.

I remembered the last night Mother and Daddy ever slept in the same bed and had a meal together. At my house. She went into the hospital the next day and never came home. Then there was all the trauma surrounding her death. Planning her funeral and then missing it, because Daddy was too sick to go. Going to the ER the night of the visitation and getting choked by my psychotic sister and threatened by my enraged uncle while I was there.

There were so many doctors' visits after that. I remember Daddy stomping his foot on the floor to call me, and seeing him cry out in pain. I'd take his blood pressure over and over until it went from being sky high to normal. I was afraid he'd die, and I just couldn't bear the thought of that.

The dark, cold winter months. Struggling through the holidays. Missing Mother so much.

Spring truly is a time of renewal. As awful as this move has been, it feels good to start fresh. Exorcise those demons. Purge the detritus of the second third of my life.

I cried in my empty house. I'm crying now. I'm going to let myself wallow in the sadness today, but I'll comfort myself with what I know in my heart of hearts. The best is yet to come.