Unbelievable. I had a nice, organized list for productive, important things to do today by 9:00 this morning. Sarita came and we mapped out our route.
Then the phone call. Family crisis. I went into my phone booth and changed into my SuperSomething persona, prepared to take control and be a heroine. Unfortunately, not all the family was on board. So I did the rational thing and said, "Call me if you decide you need my help." In this case, the family member lashed out and said some hateful things, but since I love and respect this person, I was able to see the response as pain and frustration and anger bordering on rage. I was an easy target. And that's ok.
Families are so complicated. I know. I've made so many mistakes with Kiddo. But always, I own up. I apologize to him. I cry. I tell him how much I love him. I try to explain that my craziness has lots more to do with my own shit than with him. Still, my heart breaks when I remember some of the painful times.
I don't take any credit, but he's an amazing kid, doing amazing things at UNC, an amazing school. I love him desperately, but he's incredibly independent, and so am I. I think we owe that all to his grandmother. I even forget about him sometimes. It's hard to believe that he'll be home in three weeks. For three short weeks. Then he heads to Africa for a month.
I am so very proud of him. I hope one day we can talk about the good and the bad. I just hope he can forgive, and see the good in my mistakes. So many parents can't admit their shortcomings. Damn, I have lots of practice with that. There are so many.
Ok. I'm feeling kinda frustrated, so I think I'll head out the back door and mow the lawn. It'll be a big chore since there are lots of unraked leaves from last fall. Plus, I think I'm out of lawn bags. Might have to borrow some from a neighbor.
Hopefully, in a couple hours, I'll come in, filthy and exhausted, hit the shower and forget my troubles.
It is Friday afternoon, after all...
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