Toilets, Part III

Yesterday morning, The Daddler marched into my den and began making circles with his hands. He told me we needed a new one. I thought he meant the thermostats at the new house (Saturday,Deb had harped at me about needing new ones). No, that wasn't right. He said the thing you lifted up and down. I could only think of a toilet seat. Just like when I walk through the living room when he has Wheel of Fortune blaring, which he watches religiously, I blurt out the solution when everyone else is still perplexed. By the way, don't you hate how they over- en.un.ci.ate when they say the answer? Maybe it's like Jeapardy where you get the dreaded buzzer if you forget to say, "What is" before giving your answer. I hate that stupid rule. But I digress. I have an uncanny ability to solve puzzles. I should play charades soon.

When I said, "The to.i.let seat?", his face lit up. I asked him to show me. Sure 'nuf, one of the bolts was broken. Just like the one in the Exxon station bathroom which precipitated Deb's recent "Twat on Pot" email.

Hoping to avoid days of agitated reminders from The D, I headed to Lowe's a few hours later. I'd measured for the cushions for the patio furniture I'd moved from their house. I'd pitched the old, faded, mildewed ones and he was mad about that. That reminds me, he's been a broken record about the line that blew down during last week's storm. It must be cable because the power's still on. I should've called by now but I've been paralyzed by trying to figure out whether I should call MLGW or Comcast.

Back to Lowe's. I searched through the cushions for the perfect combination of dimensions and non-hideous-large print floral ones. I was in such a fog, I didn't realize that my 16 inch wide chair would probably hold an 18 inch wide cushion. I suppose after the snafu with the fridge being too wide for the opening, I wanted a little cushion built into the dimensions. Illogical, I know, but I wasn't thinking clearly. Needless to say, I was unsuccessful and left empty handed. Except for a million paint chips. Oops, just remembered that I called Sherwin Williams Saturday to ask for two five gallon buckets of paint before the three day, 40% off sale ended. Need to pick that up. Ok, back to Lowe's. When I was almost home, I realized I hadn't gotten the thing I went for. The toilet seat. Fuck.

I'll try to get to Home Depot later today. For a toilet seat.