Welcome to my world!

My life's been crazy since my Daddy moved in with me immediately after my mother's death in October 2010. My one and only kiddo headed to college at Carolina at the end of August. So...I lived on my own, for the first time in my life, for a total of a blissful six weeks. Then, I started the parenting gig with my dad. He's a combination of a grouchy old man, a surly teenager and a temperamental toddler. Needless to say, I get very close to the brink of insanity sometimes. I get through life by finding the humor in difficult circumstances. And for some reason, I wind up in the weirdest situations. I couldn't make this stuff up. So I wind up having lots and lots crazy adventures which make great stories to share with my friends. Writing about my life is so therapeutic. My ramblings range from funny to sad to angry (full of cuss words) to sweet. While my focus is dealing with the trials and tribulations of being a parent to my Daddy, I have lots of random, totally unrelated posts. Whatever's on my mind. I love to make people laugh, and I'm happy to think my readers will get my strange sense of humor. And maybe, people who are in my situation will be encouraged. That's all I can hope for...

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Today's Theme: Toilets

Sometimes my life is like an episode of Seinfeld. There's a theme which keeps resurfacing. Today, it's toilets.

Started out with a silly email from a friend who said he "had to run (to the john)". So I took that opportunity to tell him that it's a rule of nature that men take newspapers with them to the bathroom when they have to poop. Not women. We're in and out. Gotta keep movin'. Except for the recent phenomenon of Toilet Talkers. These are women who avoid work by sitting in an office bathroom stall with a full blown case of Diarrhea of the Mouth. I think the more experienced ones even go to another floor so they won't have to worry about getting caught by bosses or co-workers. That's the only explanation for the women I never saw on my office floor except in the bathroom. Wait. I never saw them because they were always sequestered in their stalls.

Here's where it gets strange. While I was writing that silly treatise on male and female public restroom habits, I received an email from a friend. The subject line read Twat on Pot. Funny - it sounds like a title of a Dr. Suess Book. Similar to Hop on Pop - one of my fav's.

It's just too funny to explain, so I'm going to put the whole thing here, verbatim, except I'll change the names.

I saw Dr. Shrink yesterday. I stopped at an Exxon to use the restroom on the way and I wiped the toilet seat really good, when I sat down the whole toilet seat shifted and I landed straddling the filthy toilet bowl rim. My privates came in direct contact with the rim – probably a little inside me and definitely on the outside. The toilet rim had urine, feces and pubic hair on it. I wanted to die. I knew I instantly had AIDS and HERPES. So I saw Dr. Shrink and explained this to her and how when something happens I obsess over it and asked if I was paranoid – she said no just total anxiety. She said paranoia was when you thought Martians came in your room at night and cut up your panties with scissors every night while you are sleeping and that I just have anxiety. I could not believe I fell like that – it was disgusting. She laughed and said she has done the same thing.

Oh...My...God. She's so funny. Love her.

I thought I'd help erase this image from your mind with a picture of one of the most beautiful bathrooms I've ever seen. I took it when I was in Rio de Janeiro. It was in a restaurant on the beach at Ipenema. The sinks were filled with all sorts of beautiful semi-precious stones. Agate, amethyst, quartz - you name it. These are plentiful in Brazil. The floor was covered in a beautiful gravel.

Hopefully, this episode of recurring toilets is over, and I can move on to the next thing. Like work...

No comments:

Post a Comment