Clarification - I Don't Give Up

Monday's (the August 15th) post titled I Give Up needs a little explanation. 

One line could've been misinterpreted.  In fact, it was misinterpreted.  By the obvious person.  See, it might've seemed like it was directed at FF.  In fact, it was an admonition to myself.

The specific line was:  I give up on FF, Prince Charming, Mr. Right.

I didn't mean I give up on Dude.  Just the Fantasy part of FF (Fantasy Fiance).  The idea of Prince Charming.  Maybe not Mr. Right.  Dude could be Mr. R.  or not.  It seems like I blogged once about the whole fairy tale indoctrination so many little girls are subjected to.  How many children's stories involve the beautiful princess being rescued by the handsome prince?  Too many.  And that sets us up for disappointment.  I concluded that I didn't need rescuing.

I'm a cynic.  Skeptical.  A realist.  Most of the time.  I attribute it to my years spent as an auditor.  A big part of my job was to verify.  Just to be clear, I wasn't an IRS auditor and my clients liked me.  Really.  They were happy to see me.  Well, almost all of them.  Because I wasn't on a witch hunt.  I just did my work to test the system and transactions, to verify.  To be sure there were internal controls in place.  And when clients are honest, they have nothing to hide and they don't mind being audited.  Especially by an auditor as pleasant and fun as I was.  Still, I had to be objective and exercise professional skepticism.  To question things.  To discern excuses from reasons.  To get proof.

On a personal level, I've been hurt and disappointed many, many times.  Too many to count.  Betrayed by family and friends occasionally.  Dumped by men I really liked.  Borne the brunt of displaced anger.  I can be an easy target.  Because I'm too trusting when I'm not in audit mode.

But in spite of that, I'm still an idealist when it comes to my personal life.  I have to manage my expectations.  That's hard for me.  I tend to plunge headfirst into everything I find exciting.  New friendships (male or female).  Business ideas.  Hobbies and pastimes.  Only problem is that I don't always follow through.  I'm too easily discouraged.  And when I encounter difficulty, I tend to throw my hands up and fizzle out.

So when I said I give up on FF, I was feeling disillusioned.  Not with him.  With myself.  For buying into bullshit.  Of Prince Charming rescuing the fair maiden.  And it is terribly unfair to put that kind of pressure on Dude.  Counter-productive, too.  He's been nothing but honest with me.

All this being said, I keep trying to embrace his good advice:  Live in the moment. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done.  Especially when the moment isn't particularly pleasant.

So, I'll reserve the right to vent my spleen through this blog.  It's therapeutic for me.  And part of that is being able to be open and honest about my feelings.  And in case you haven't read enough to notice a pattern, I'll tell you that my angst-ridden rants are tempered by some joyful, funny, optomistic posts.  I hope it's clear that I'm grateful for my life.  I wouldn't change places with anyone on earth.

And I'm so happy to have Mr. Man in my life, in spite of the 550 miles between us.  Because he makes me laugh.  What more could you want in a FF?  And a tiny bit of Fantasy isn't really a bad thing.  As long as it doesn't stop me from living in the moment...