Civic Duty

I did mine today.  Unfortunately, I was rejected, along with half the other 14 candidates. 

One little story.  A teaser.  Because I have lots of fodder from my short tenure in the United States District Court.  Here goes...

I set my alarm for 6:00 this morning.  I overslept.  It turns out my phone only lets me hit the snooze button six times, and since it takes me a good 75 minutes to wake up, it was 7:15 when I became conscious.  And since I'd wanted to allow 45 minutes to get downtown and make a few wrong turns onto one-way streets before I found the parking garage, and then find the Clifford B. Davis Federal Building, and get cleared through the metal detector, I was in a bit of a panic.  On top of that, my sewer drain is clogged and I'm afraid to flush or shower, but I can't bear the thought of skipping a shower for something like Jury Duty.  I have a long story about the sewer, but no time now.

I lucked into a perfect parking spot in the Mud Island Garage and hoofed it to the Jurors' Holding Pen.  Even though I packed enough reading material to last a week, and I wore my full compliment of chunky silver jewelry, I got right through customs.  I mean security.

I was two minutes late and I was very afraid of being thrown into jail for contempt of court.  Needless to say, that didn't happen.  I rode up on the elevator with an animal rights lady.  I told her if we were questioned about why we were late, we should say we stopped to rescue a stray pit bull.  I told her that dog abuse was a class E felony, but she said it wasn't.  I didn't argue.  Besides, I figured it was better not to start out the jury gig with perjury lying.  Just to be on the safe side, when we took the oath, I swore to Allah, not God.  Wonder about athiests?  Maybe they should swear on Madelyn Murray O'Hair.  Or Nitzsche.

Hey, I just thought about something.  Is it any coincidence that the only two atheists I know are also lawyers?  Hmmmm.

Ok, quick story, then I gotta run.  I was anxious when I plopped down in my seat on the front row of the holding pen.  I scanned the crowd.  Didn't see anyone I knew.  Damn, I could've skipped the makeup and hair.  Chatted up the lady right behind me.  I was so hyped up.  Remembered that I hadn't had coffee.  Which oddly enough, counteracts my morning scatteredness.  I headed back to the coffee pot.  Which was nearly empty.  I figured out how to make a new pot without calling the bailiff.  I stood there waiting and a sweet man with hair gel and a lavender shirt under a sweater vest appeared.  I told him I'd just started a new pot.  Turned out he wasn't there to get coffee.  I thought I heard him say I should settle down.  I said, "I should settle down?"  He said, "No, your fly is down.  I thought you'd want to know."  O....M.....G.... 

I'd thought it was too good to be true to find relatively unfaded jeans sans holes that fit my butt and weren't too short or too long.  In a random pile in some random place in my bedroom.  When I was running late.  And then it all came back to me.  I wore them on the plane on my first visit to see Mr. Man.  I'd gotten them at my beloved thrift store.  When I walked down the tiny aisle to go to the restroom on the airplane, I noticed more than one man do a double take.  I thought, "Wow, I need to get another pair of these jeans!"  Until I got into the tiny bathroom and reached down to undo my zipper and saw that it was already undone.  Thank god I had on underwear.  Sometimes if I can't find clean ones, I go commando.  While I go downstairs and push wrinkle release on the dryer so they'll be fluffed when I finish hair and makeup.  And of course, I always forget. 

Well, that's all for now.  Stay tuned...