1-800-DONOTFUCKWITHME

I guess my do-not-call-or-mail-me anything status didn't carry over to the Good House. Same phone number. Oh, maybe it's because I changed from AT&T to ComCrap. Either way, I'm getting way too many unsolicited calls.

A little while ago, I fell asleep on the sofa for the 12th time while I was trying to watch the season finale of Desperate Housewives. The ringing telephone brought me to consciousness. I heard Kiddo answer at the same moment I screamed "Who is it?" If not for the outside chance that FF was calling (he's one of the elite few who actually knows my wall phone number), I'd have shouted "Don't answer it!" Like it would've mattered. I heard him say "Yes. No. I think so." I waited for him to say "Here she is." But the yes-no thing went on. I listened to be sure he didn't start rattling off any social security or credit card numbers. When he started reciting our address, I told him to give me the phone. He did. Here's how it went from there:
ME: Who is this? We don't answer surveys.
DRONE: This isn't a survey. We are providing a valuable public service.
ME: Who are you?
DRONE: I'm with Arbitron.
ME: It's a survey. Our time is valuable. Are you going to pay us for it?
DRONE: Well, there is a small cash gift.
ME: How small?
DRONE: I'm not permitted to reveal that.

Here's where I should've hung up. But I handed the phone back to the kiddo because Drone said he was finished with his questions and just needed to know where to mail the "small cash gift" of a secret amount and that he couldn't tell me but if he finished the questionnaire with the gentleman with whom he'd been speaking, he'd send it.

I watched Kiddo like a hawk and he had a sheepish grin on his face. When he hung up, I asked him how much cash we'd get. Kiddo said Drone said he'd be able to buy a nice doughnut with the "small cash gift." Great.

He gave me some shit about the fact that I was asleep so there was no one to talk to. I started in on him and then realized that he was playing me and then I said it must be sad to be so lonely.

Then I rattled off my favorite acronym, TANSTAAFL. My econ professor walked into class the very first day and wrote it on the blackboard. Then he said, "This is the most important thing you'll ever learn in Microeconomics. There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch." Truer words were never spoken. It made a huge impression on me.

I told Kiddo to go register on Do Not Call and Do Not Mail and Do Not Text. I told him to check the URL I've used as the title of this post, and buy it if it wasn't taken.

And now I'm exhausted. I've retreated to my Enchanted Airie and I'm listening to talk radio and at any moment, my day will be done.

Over and out...