I Just Don't Know

I thought I was ok. Deb came. The D was great. I had some sweet interactions with Kiddo.

Then Deb brought Daddy home from their visit to the cemetery. I was so proud of the flowers I'd arranged. I thought the little arrangement would provide comfort. But Deb refused to take them home. I didn't see that coming. She was so close to Mother. And she's had some trials in her maternal role lately. I suppose her method of coping kicked in. Denial. If you ignore it, it'll go away.

She's the baby. I'm a big believer in the influence of birth order on personality. Deb's a classic baby. So sweet to her mother. I think babies never outgrow that role of the youngest and cutest. They love to be taken care of. There's no sense of independence. The fucked up middle child gets displaced and has to fend for herself. Particularly when there's an evil, bitch-from-hell, controlling and manipulative older sister.

The middle child seeks approval. No one notices her. They're all about the cute baby. Deb was a little blonde cherub. I vividly remember this scene. We were in the front yard when she was about four years old, which would make me seven. Bikinis had just made it to the masses. Mother had gotten her one. Daddy was there with the polaroid. Carefully timing the exposure. She was a star. So cute.

I've never in my life worn a bikini. There's the whole body dysmorphic thing. I've come a long way with that, but still, I'll never shine like that sweet, adorable, innocent, precious little sister. Maybe it's a good thing I was a late bloomer. Not sure I've really bloomed yet. And my sweet baby sister has all but given up on her dreams. It pains me to think about the things she says, but I'm not sure I wouldn't feel the same way if I'd been dealt the very unlucky cards she's had.

Deb wound up paying a price for her beauty. I had to make it on my personality and brains. You know what it means when a guy says a girl has a "great personality." She's butt ugly but she'll do in a pinch.

Guess what. I'm glad I never got the kind of attention my pretty little sister did. It was a wolf in sheep's clothing.