Hot and Bothered...

...or Free Fallin'?

I went for my run this morning. I wanted to get it out of the way just so I could comply with my new plan for structure, order and routine. And sanity.

But it's not that simple. I had to go find shorts and a jog bra and socks. Luckily I had bought a new pair of running shorts for a buck at City Thrift yesterday, so I ripped the tag off and threw them on. And my job bra was right there on the floor where I peeled it off last night after my run with Jo got rained out. Ponytail holder right on the doorknob where it belongs. Socks in dryer. So far, so good.

Sat on the floor in the laundry room to put on my shoes and there was only one shoe. How can that be? There are lots of shoes there because we take them off when we come in the back door from the mud pit. But Sarita put a shelf there and they're all in order. Except for my lone shoe. Where the fuck could the other one be? I decided to go look for my MP3 player and come back to the shoe problem. I looked at least five places for it. Gave up and went back to the shoe. It was in the laundry basket with the dirty clothes. I put them on and contemplated running without my music. I was feeling sluggish, though, and knew I wouldn't make it past the end of the driveway. Somehow it came to me. Not that I could tell you at this moment where I found it. Doesn't matter.

I went out the back door and decided to live dangerously and leave it unlocked, even though Kiddo and The D were still sleeping. I started running and didn't think I'd make it the first tenth of a mile. It was uphill, but still. I felt like I was in quicksand. I clicked through the random songs until I came to a good Kelly Clarkson breakup song with a pretty good beat. I played a few others which kept me going, but nothing really energizing. Then as I was rounding the corner to home, a perfect one started playing. I didn't know it. Figured it was another Led Zeppelin. It was called Hot and Bothered. Turns out it was from the Wayne's World soundtrack by a group called Cinderella. How in the hell did that get on my MP3? It was enough to keep me going, though. So I did another two miles today. Really, really good for me.

Then just as I started the last little downhill leg to the Good House, one of my very favorite songs started playing. Free Fallin'. Tom Petty. I love that song. Great contrast to the others. And perfect for winding down. I came in the back door, took off my shoes and lay on my back, sweating and breathing deeply. All the stress melted away.

See, last night, after working so hard all day, somehow all this anger bubbled up, seemingly from nowhere. I've had lots of well-intentioned friends giving me lots of advice. Telling me what to do to fix my problems. Like it's some simple equation. Deb tellng me to get the gutters cleaned out and install electronic thermostats. My friend L telling me to move the hose cart out of the front flower bed so it won't be front and center for people to see from the street. And that the coleus Daddy planted in front of the impatiens will be too tall and they'll hide the impatiens. And that she wasn't crazy about boston ferns. I know she's a horticulturist and all, but Daddy did this stuff and I don't give a fuck about whether the impatiens are hidden by the coleus. I'm just happy that The D is happy.

Speaking of The D, he was so looking forward to the trip he was supposed to be taking to Eureka Springs with my aunt and uncle and their church today through Friday. I called her yesterday to get the details and she said she meant to call me, but they had cancelled the trip. Great. When was she going to tell me? It broke my heart to walk into the living room and tell him. He said it was ok, but I know how excited he'd been.

I absofuckinglutely hate it when people bail on plans at the last minute. If a friend does that to me more than a couple times, I don't initiate any plans with them. I don't write them off, but I'd just rather spend time with people who value me and my time.

I fixed The D a great dinner last night. Lots of fresh veggies and sauteed polish sausage, onions and brussel sprouts. He loved it.

Back to the title of this post. Last night, I was hot and bothered. Or just bothered. But today, I'm free fallin'. I'm feeling very apathetic. Don't give a shit about what people think of me or my messy house or my garden design or whether I drink water out of Bisphenal A oozing plastic bottles. I'm gonna get my house sprayed for bugs every three months and spread chemicals in my yard to get rid of the weeds. I'm gonna nuke the hell outa the fuckin' poison ivy in my yard with Round-Up. I'd use Agent Orange, but I have a feeling it's hard to get these days.

I am, however, making some positive changes. Running for one. I've gone cold turkey with my Coke Zeros. My bone density test was a wake-up call. I'm eating lots of veggies (love this time of year). And drinking lots and lots of water. Spending time with my friends. Taking hot bubble baths. Listening to great tunes. Planning some trips this summer.

And doing my very best to stop worrying. And just breathe.