Retail Therapy

Finally. Not like you think, though. I hate the mall. If I don't get my Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving, it's Amazon or a check. Or nothing. I can't keep up. Here's my way. I see something that makes me think of someone I love. I buy it. I give it to them. It has nothing to do with their birthday, a holiday, anything. After all, aren't those arbitrary? Besides, if your birthday's the last day of July (that's a hint), wouldn't it be great to get a present in March? Or whenever?

I love to find cards with black and white pictures of old ladies saying irreverant things. Well, raunchy things. When it makes me think of someone, I buy it, even though it's not their birthday. Scratch out the b-day part and just say I Love You. Also, I try to find random commemorative stamps in odd denominations and plaster them to the envelope in an entirely random pattern. Put on lipstick and kiss the back flap. Doodle around their name and address. Spritz it with perfume. See why my friends love me?

People can be so serious about the mail. Not me. Screw Forever stamps. So boring. I have Audrey Hepburn, Cary Grant, Humphrey Bogart. Jimmy Stewart. Christy Matthewson, Walter Johnson, Tris Speaker, Jackie Robinson, and the greatest man who ever walked the face of the earth, Lou Gehrig (not counting Jesus, of course. Or Abraham Lincoln). Wrigley and Fenway. John Wayne and Ronald Reagan. Alexander Calder and Frederick Law Olmstead. Ogden Nash and Dr. Suess. Snow White and Princess Diana. Elvis

Had a great meeting w/ client. Hit Ross - my favorite store (besides City Thrift). Found Lucky jeans that fit me like a glove. $24. Amazing.

I live a charmed life. Went to thrift store. Only found a couple things and on my way to the checkout, I saw the most incredible, worn, buttery leather satchel. It smelled so good. All beat up and worn. So much character. $10 bucks.

Seriously. It'll look great with my Lucky jeans.

Oh, funny story. Rewind to Ross store. Deb met me there. We shopped a little. Here's a typical exchange:
Deb - Do you think this table's worth $40? (She has this thing for little, painted occasional tables.)
Me - No.
Deb - $30?
Me - No.
Deb - No?
Me - No. You don't need another little painted table. You have furniture in storage. What are you going to do with it? Put it down and step away from it.
Deb - Awwww.
Let the record reflect that her "Awww" was not a sad expression, but rather a mix of disgust and sarcasm. It perfectly expressed what she wanted to say. Which is "Fuck you." She doesn't cuss as much as I do. Plus her 14 year old daughter was somewhere in the store.
Then we heard the sound of laughter. We usually entertain people around us. That or annoy them. The main thing is that we have fun.

After that, Deb headed to Kroger to do everyone's shopping. She's the coupon maven and she sweetly does grocery shopping for Daddy and me. In fact, she asked me what I wanted and since I hadn't made a list, she whipped out her iPhone and made a list while I dictated. I made my usual comment. "You drank the apple Kool-Aid." And she replied, "Yea. And it tastes good. You should try some."

She said she'd call me when she was finished so I could meet her in the parking lot. I was shopping contentedly when my phone rang and I heard her hysterical voice on the other end. Something about being trapped by the cart. I hauled ass to the checkout line. Next thing I know, she's leaning in the entrance to the store, waving her hands and shouting - "Come help me! I'm trapped by the cart." I had no idea what she meant. I shouted for her to just breathe and dispatched Emily to handle the situation while I finished checking out.

I found her in the parking lot chanting "I hate this Kroger! I hate this Kroger!" Finally, I understood. The last time we were there, we had a fucked up cart and the wheels totally locked up. I had to drag it with all my might across the parking lot. Keep in mind it was loaded with 300 pounds of groceries. How in hell did we get that same cart? What are the chances of that? And why didn't those cart gathering drones take that lemon out of service

So once again, I morphed into superwoman. Felt like Hercules capturing Cerberus. No, really, like 100 year old Jack LaLane (God rest his soul) pulling a tugboat with his teeth.

Managed to drag the cart to the curb and got Deb calmed down. I gave her my spontaneous gift of a cool porcelain insulated coffee cup with a silicone wrap and lid. I found it in Ross for $4 - perfect for her - she's a coffee addict. She loved it.

Got my crap in my car, sent her on her way. She reminded me 15 times to put the groceries in the fridge. I assured her that I wouldn't forget. I was getting in my car and saw the security guard blazing a trail in his Cushman. I flagged him down to ask him to make sure the defective cart got fixed. He said the wheels lock up if you go beyond some random yellow line. That solved the mystery. He said, "Didn't you read the notice at the back of the cart?" I said, "Where the glamor pics of snooty realtors usually are?"
Who ever reads those things? Who would notice a security warning on a grocery cart?

Who's ever heard of grocery carts with GPS? I guess that's a perk of shopping in the hood. Can't wait to tell all my east Memphis housewife friends about it. I'll guaran-damn-tee ya they've never heard of this. Then they'll scold me and tell me not to go to that part of town and I'll tell them I'm not afraid. I always feel so hip and urban around them. And believe me, I'm neither hip NOR urban. But it's all relative.

Ok, I've been up 293 hours, so I'll wrap it up. I'm gonna crawl into bed, snuggle up to my leather bag and Lucky jeans. Turn on talk radio and become one with George Noori (that's talk radio, not some tantric sex partner, in case you didn't already know that). And wake up tomorrow, ready to figure out how in the world I'm going to move all my crap down the road. I think my new house is symbolic for me. Not gonna wax philosophical now, though. I think I'll find something to eat. Gobble it down. Hit the sack.

The big news is that kiddo is coming home tomorrow afternoon. He's so happy at Carolina. So independent. I forget about him sometimes - so focused on The D. I'm so proud. Can't wait to see him. I think he'll like our new home.

He'll be running with his friends the whole time, but just having him here will be sweet. I know his G-pa's looking forward to it.

Life's good...